there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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