Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
