Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sext me about skeletons
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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