***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize