I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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