Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
