respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
