Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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