Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Randomize
