I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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