I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
