Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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