Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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