he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
