My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
