Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
