you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
