this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
