Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
