So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
