We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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