is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
