filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
