I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
