Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
