It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
