i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize