i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
