Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
