how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
