i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Let's get the cat blown out
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
