My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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