you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
