Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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