Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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