Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
