At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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