we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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