i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you will always have a special place in my vag
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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