my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
