I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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