Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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