we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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