when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
