now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
