Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
