When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
