I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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