hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
