i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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