mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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