she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
