Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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