some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
