I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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