I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
