just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
