I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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